sorrow and joy

"She who was once a queen among provinces had now become a slave. Bitterly she weeps at night, tears are on her cheeks. Among all her lovers there is no one to comfort her. All her friends have betrayed her; they have become her enemies." Lamentations 1:1 -2

Why do I feel this way so quickly? So often? Bitter, alone, distraught, a slave to my own thoughts and feelings. Never able to get ahead of them. I was only able to numb them. Little did I know that when I numbed one feeling, I numbed every feeling. It took a long time for me to be able to feel again, and I realized that I would rather spend more time in grief to be able to feel joy then not feel any joy at all.

"Do you know what lament means?"

*One moment, let me google it* Lament means a passionate expression of sorrow or grief. Passion? Is that the word you want me to focus on?

"Sorrow and joy are married. Their baby’s name is compassion."

Because I have known true loneliness, I am able to experience your true companionship. Because I have known true evil I am able to experience the fullness of your goodness. Because I have known the poison of bitterness, I will know the antidote of forgiveness. But all of these take a point of turning, of changing, and growing. I must make a decision to say enough of loneliness! I want your companionship Jesus! Enough of all this evil! Let me see Your goodness God! I don't want this bitterness anymore Lord! Forgive them, so that I can experience healing! How do I make this switch when I'm deep in lamenting? When I feel like you do not care for me?

"Come closer. Tell me all about it."

I'll sit at your feet and hand you problem after problem, and you will collect my tears and save each one. You will remember my heartache. It will not go unnoticed, and it will not be for nothing. You will turn it for something good. Make every tear useful - worth it - worthy of the ache. Your wrath doesn't come for me but the spirits that attack me. That stand in your way to comfort me. You will tear down every wall from every enemy.

"Not every enemy. I will not tear you down."

Sometimes I am the enemy to my own life. Is it your love for me that won't tear me down?

"I will deconstruct what you allow me to deconstruct. I want to do it with you, not for you."

As any good father does. You want to partner with me. Help me. Show me the good way. But sometimes I will not relent. I will not yield my way for yours. Show me how to do so God. Because every time I take things on myself I become a slave instead of a queen. I weep at night, and you aren't there to comfort me. I turn good friends to enemies. Namely you. I turn you - my Lord, my Savior, my good friend, my father - into my enemy. Show me your goodness God. Remind me of your faithfulness. How can I find you when I'm at my lowest?

"Remember my faithfulness. Listen for my goodness. Seek my presence."